The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, I have been trying to conceal from my family (with modest success) that I’m asexual. I overhear conversations my parents have been having with my older siblings on the subject of dating, and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated that my experiences have been so different from theirs. I have never dated the same person twice, as three of my brothers have.
I am considering coming out to a select circle of fellow students on my college campus. Understandably, I’m anxious about it because I have never planned a “coming-out party” before. I’m also worried about how my parents might react if they find out before I’m ready to tell them. My decision to come out would likely conflict with my family’s conservative-leaning religious beliefs.
To complicate matters further, my family has been planning a road trip so I can finally visit someone I met on a dating app who lives nine hours away. I’m worried she might not want to date me if she finds out about my asexuality and, by extension, my hesitation to commit to a long-term relationship.
What recommendations do you have for how to move forward? Should I cancel my coming-out plans to appease my family, or should I focus on building a support system? — CLOSETED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR CLOSETED: If you feel the need to come out to your family (at some point) about your asexuality, postpone the announcement until you are comfortable doing it. Asexuality isn’t a sin, and their religious leanings should have nothing to do with it. I see no reason for you to make a “grand announcement” at home or on campus at this time. Your relationship with the women you date shouldn’t present a problem if they are also asexual. Go online and you will find there are many resources for asexual people, including dating sites.
DEAR ABBY: My longtime friend — let’s call her “Cindy” — is six months pregnant and has started sharing name ideas with me regarding her baby — it’s a girl. For some reason, Cindy will hear a word she thinks sounds pretty and think it will make a great name for her daughter, regardless of the meaning of the word. I had to beg her to stop considering “Chlamydia” as a name. She finally agreed after I repeatedly emphasized the bullying her daughter could receive over that name.
Now she has her heart set on the name “Cliche” and seems to think as long as the name isn’t an STD, everything will be fine with that choice. She’s now calling me “hypercritical” as this is the fourth name I’ve objected to. (“Bidet” and “Chalet” were the other selections.)
Cindy’s family doesn’t seem to care and even agrees that “Chlamydia” sounds lovely, and she should go with that name. I’m at my wits’ end. I only want to help an innocent child avoid a lifetime of ridicule and stress. What should I do? — NORMALLY NAMED IN NEW YORK
DEAR NORMALLY NAMED: There are none so blind as those who will not see, and none so deaf as those who refuse to listen. Suggest Cindy might like the Greek names Kalista, Lydia, Olympia or Andromeda. A constellation was named after Andromeda, a beautiful daughter of Greek myth. After that, avoid frustration by no longer offering Cindy more suggestions.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
