The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My friend of 50 years passed away a few months ago. I sent a fruit basket to her family and tried calling, but I was unable to get through. I couldn’t reach them via email or text either. I also sent a sympathy card. I heard nothing back from her husband or the daughter I am closest to. She’s my godchild, and I was always involved in her life.
Nobody contacted me to tell me where they were going to have her wake. Luckily, I found out, so I did attend. Her family had tables set up with photos, including one with photos from her teenage years. A few pictures of her and another one of her friends from that period were on the table, but none included me.
We did remain friends throughout the years, seeing each other occasionally, especially when our children were young and more often during her illness. Her illness lasted a year before she died, so I couldn’t understand why I was being ignored. I feel very hurt, and I’m wondering whether I have a right to feel that way and how I can overcome my feelings. — LEFT OUT IN THE EAST
DEAR LEFT OUT: As you have described it, you were the woman’s longtime friend when you all were younger and came back into her life to a greater extent during her final year. Is it possible that because of the hiatus, her husband and daughter didn’t realize how close you were? It is the only logical explanation I can come up with for why you appear to have been written out of the picture.
Of course you have a right to your feelings, but please take comfort in what you know to be true about your friendship because her family appears to be too wrapped up in their own feelings to consider yours.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 35-year-old man who has always been able to help friends with loss and life changes, until now. For context, I am going through the adoption process with imminent placement. I am in constant contact with my college friends; we all talk almost daily.
One of them just disclosed that she is going through a miscarriage. I am at a loss. I want to be there for her while going through my own process to have kids. I can’t begin to imagine her feelings of loss and the physical pain. I laid down and cried after she told me, grieving for her and her baby and her husband. How do I support her? I have no idea how to help her while also following the rules of etiquette. Please help. — INEPT IN MAINE
DEAR INEPT: You are a compassionate and empathetic person. Your friend’s loss has come at a particularly sensitive time for you. The “rules of etiquette” decree that you send a condolence card or write a short note expressing your sympathy to her and her husband, calling her to offer whatever support she may need during this difficult time and staying in touch as she works her way through this.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
