The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Both my parents had birthdays days apart and near a holiday. About 35 years ago, they started a tradition of having an elaborate party on or near their birthdays. My siblings and I were grown. The guests were their friends, and we were mostly bored out of our minds. As we married and had kids, we were invited to our own friends’ holiday parties but were made to feel extremely guilty if we tried to skip our parents’ party. The older they got, the more they expected us to set up, cook and tear down.
Dad got sick a couple of years ago and recently passed. The parties continued even though Dad could barely stay awake. Mom, age 85, still insists on keeping it going. Fewer guests are attending due to age-related issues. Some can no longer drive. The problem is, we do all the work. One sibling lives in another state, and it’s a long trip to come and work the whole time. Their spouse also has health issues.
My siblings and I feel we are done holding such a big event every year. Actually, we’re just done, period. How do we approach our mom about it? — DONE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DONE: I assume that you and your siblings plan to do SOMETHING with your aged mother on her special day. Tell her via a group or in-person chat that you love her, but the annual birthday bash cannot continue because it has become too much for you, considering that you all have responsibilities to your own families. As long as the occasion is celebrated, it shouldn’t matter how “grand” it is. Because her crowd of friends has diminished, perhaps lunch at a restaurant and a birthday cake would be manageable.
DEAR ABBY: I am approaching retirement age (62), and although I would like to start a second career, I am discovering that no one wants to hire “Grandma.” I was so distraught last week after another failed interview that I threatened to give away my scrubs and deleted the job vacancy announcements from my email account.
I cannot speak directly to prospective employers because everything is done by computer these days, and the computer is very specific in what it will take. I deleted work dates on my resume, but one company I interviewed with specifically asked me about them. I am trying to break into the veterinary industry. I have volunteered previously, starting at the bottom, while working a full-time job. I am at my wits’ end. Is youth really what they are after? — ASPIRING WORKER
DEAR WORKER: In some cases, younger workers have an advantage over older ones because of ageist hiring practices. If you had a good relationship with the staff at the veterinary practice you volunteered with, consider discussing your problem with them and ask if they can offer any insight.
It might also be worth your while to contact your county department of senior services to ask for information about older adult employment opportunities. You may not be able to get your dream job, but you might be able to get something in a related field.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
