The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My mom is in her early 80s. More and more often lately, she seems to be avoiding seeing me and my siblings. It wasn’t always like this. She would let me, my husband and our kids stay with her when we visited. Even last year, when she fell and injured herself, she let me stay with her for a couple of days to help out.
My siblings have been saying they think she has been “over them” for a while, but I’ve only noticed it over the last year or so. Now, even our phone conversations are shorter. We have lived more than five hours apart since I moved out after high school, but I always made sure to call her regularly. If I didn’t call, I could expect a call from her to check in. However, now if I don’t call her, I won’t hear from her. After asking about me and my family, she rushes me off the phone before I can ask how she’s doing.
Is this normal? Is she hiding something? Is she not feeling well? Should my siblings and I be worried, or has she earned the right to step back a bit now that she’s older? She’s a great mom, and we all love her dearly, but sitting her down for a direct conversation isn’t the norm for us. What to do? — CONCERNED ABOUT MOM
DEAR CONCERNED: It may not be the norm for your family, but it’s time all of you visited Mom together and told her that her change in behavior has you worried because it is out of character. Tell her your siblings fear she is avoiding them because she is “over them.” (Could that be true? Are they overly dependent on her?) Tell her you love her and are concerned because any extreme change in behavior in an older person can be a symptom of illness and should be checked out. Then listen to what she has to say.
DEAR ABBY: I moved in with two friends last year, and while I have enjoyed staying with them, it’s starting to become stressful. One roommate drinks and becomes verbally abusive to me and his boyfriend. It became physical once, and he hit me in the face and blackened my eye. He’s my friend, and I care about him, but I don’t know how much longer I can remain living here.
I feel like if I leave, I’m giving up on him. He’s a really nice person when he’s sober, very helpful and generous. I just don’t know what to do. Do I leave? Do I cut off the friendship? I want to help him, but I’m not sure how. — FEARFUL FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FRIEND: Tell your abusive alcoholic roommate when he’s sober that, while you admire his personality when he’s not drinking, you can no longer tolerate the person he becomes when he’s drunk, which is why you are leaving.
Suggest that when he’s ready to deal with his problem, he should find some Alcoholics Anonymous or SMART Recovery meetings. (There are usually more than one in most communities.) Do not be surprised if he becomes defensive; most addicts do when confronted. While you can’t “fix” this friend, you have every right to take care of yourSELF, and moving will be healthier for you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
