The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My son is 20 and a senior in college. He’s a baseball player and is about to ask the girl he’s been dating for a year and a half to marry him. My wife and I don’t get along with her at all. She has a myriad of health problems and takes eight prescriptions a day. Because of her conditions, she rarely has the energy to do anything but lie around when she comes to our house. She used to have a job packing groceries at a market, and she would frequently log 10 to 12 miles a day walking. She quit that job for a job at an ice cream shop where she does little walking.
We had a get-together at my other son’s house, and she said she couldn’t come because she was too tired. My wife sent my son a message saying, “Really? From scooping ice cream?” The girlfriend needed to use my son’s phone and saw the message. Her feelings were hurt, and now she will have nothing to do with us. (They still expect us to pay for their wedding, and for gas and maintenance on his car to visit her parents almost daily.) We want to support our son, but we are over it with her. There is so much more I could tell you. Please help. — DAD WHO’S OVER IT
DEAR DAD: If your son’s fiancee is taking eight medications a day, she has real health problems. Her fatigue is likely part of it. It’s a shame she can’t perform up to your expectations. Under the circumstances, I can understand why she would be hurt by your wife’s comment. If you want to support your son, apologize to her.
I should also point out that if your son is not self-supporting, he is not yet financially prepared for the responsibilities that marriage brings with it. His fiancee may be willing to help, but her income is limited right now and could diminish to nothing if she becomes sicker. Given the current situation, it might be better if the wedding were postponed.
DEAR ABBY: My brother and his wife have three adult children. When his youngest daughter got married several years ago, my sisters and I were not invited to the bridal shower. We were told it was because it was too costly, but it still caused hurt feelings on our side. I know her other aunts were invited.
Should I say anything to my brother? I’m only asking because now his eldest daughter is engaged. I assume my sisters and I will again be excluded. I just keep wondering if they don’t like us or what happened. I don’t remember doing anything to them growing up or speaking ill of them or their mother. Must I just let it go and move on? — UNINVITED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNINVITED: Rather than wait and wonder, call your brother and congratulate him on his daughter’s engagement. When you do, tell him you and your sisters would love to come to the shower. His response will tell you what you need to know. If it doesn’t, follow up that question with another about whether you may have done anything to cause a rift in the family.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
