The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of three girls, 25, 21 and about to be 15. My youngest has always lived with me. Her father and I separated when she was 1. They always had a good relationship. Over the last couple of years, after he moved to another state and married, our co-parenting relationship has changed for the worse.
My youngest has always complained about spending time with him. Sometimes, she came home crying because she didn’t want to go with him. She’s a freshman in high school now, and out of the blue, she told me she wants to live with him and finish high school in that state. This has broken my heart. I don’t want her to leave me. She tells me it’s because the schools are better there, which will help her get into a good college.
I don’t know if my ex has said anything to her or if that’s really what she wants. I don’t know how to handle this. I feel I am losing my child. All of my girls have always lived with me, and the older girls have yet to leave me. — NERVOUS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR NERVOUS: Are you and your ex not on speaking terms? You might gain some insight if you talk with him and his wife about the quality of the schools in their area, not to mention if they’re open to having full-time custody of your daughter.
You and your youngest should be having a series of conversations about this major change in her life. The talk should not be about you and your fear of losing your baby. It should revolve around her plans for college and how she plans to achieve that goal.
Although your daughter is young, many parents would feel proud rather than threatened by their child giving serious thought to her future at such a young age.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of three sisters. Our family is pretty close-knit for birthdays and celebrations. However, it has become increasingly problematic in terms of finances. My siblings and I do well, and it’s often assumed that I am doing very well. I know I am blessed to have my job, but with this income comes sizable expenses such as private school, sports clubs and my own children’s birthdays.
My problem is, my middle sister contacted me about hosting a celebration for our younger sister’s approaching milestone birthday. Over the years, it has frequently fallen on our shoulders to finance her birthday celebrations. Her husband never lifts a finger or offers to pay for them. I’m tired of having to foot a bill of between $500 to $1,000, but I don’t want to be a grinch, either. I have my own family expenses. Am I being unreasonable? — DRAINED SIS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DRAINED SIS: You are not being unreasonable; you are stating facts. Have a frank talk with your middle sister about your feelings. Tell her you think it’s time for the two of you to approach this brother-in-law and suggest he pitch in for his wife’s milestone birthday. And in the future, if you plan to host any more birthday parties for her, make them more modest.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
