The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My father’s wife, “Carole,” loves to thrift-shop. She enjoys hunting for a good deal, particularly if she can find things for our 5-year-old daughter, “Liana.” It’s sweet how excited she gets when she brings over a pile of new clothes.
The problem is, Carole has really different taste than my husband and I do, and most of her purchases aren’t appropriate for a little girl to be wearing. (I’m talking hot pants, tiny tank tops, sequin midriff shirts and leopard miniskirts.) These outfits don’t pass the school dress code or the Mama dress code.
We have told Liana she can wear these things only at home and made a “dress up” box for them. She’s OK with that, but I’m not sure what to tell Carole when she asks why Liana isn’t wearing her new clothes. Several times, I’ve had to intervene when she’s told our daughter to change into the things she’s brought before we go out. I’ve said things like, “We like Liana to be more covered up,” but it’s like Carole can’t hear me.
How can I spare Carole’s feelings while enforcing our standards? This isn’t something I’m going to budge on. — MODEST MAMA IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MAMA: You have tried the oblique approach. Carole doesn’t get the message. Now it’s time for you to step up and be a mom. Tell Carole you are grateful for her generosity, but you do not want your daughter “overexposed” in public. Tell her you want Liana to concentrate on her intellectual growth rather than on glitz and glamor, which is why you feel sequin midriff shirts, hot pants and leopard print clothing are not appropriate. Then give her back the items you feel are objectionable so she can donate them again.
DEAR ABBY: My son is 65 and has been dating a 25-year-old he met in his art class. I keep hearing from him that she says she loves him. I tell him it is ridiculous. He lives with me and wants to know if they can move in with me. I am 86, and he has been living with me for 10 years, which I am blessed and thankful for. I told him no way! I can’t believe that her mother is even allowing this. Am I too old-fashioned, or is this the new fad? — DISAPPROVING IN ARIZONA
DEAR DISAPPROVING: You are thinking pragmatically. Your son thinks he’s in love. At 25, a young woman is considered an adult and capable of making her own choices in romance — even May-December ones. It’s possible that she loves your son. (There is more than one kind of love.)
Before drawing a line in the sand, make an effort to get to know her. With time, she may grow tired of being with both of you and decide to move on. If you are adamant that you can’t tolerate another woman living in your home, you are right to refuse. But I caution you: If you do, you may find your son will move out to be with her.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
