The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: We were recorded on video and audio on our daughter’s porch, thinking we were talking to each other privately. We were discussing how hurt we were that she didn’t want to spend time with us on our 50th wedding anniversary, shortly after she and her husband moved out of state. They could easily have driven to a new RV park close to our house. Her aunt tried to talk with her about seeing family members and being with us, but she refused.
We have supported our daughter despite all the mistakes she has made. She was offended that we had no good thoughts regarding her new life in another state and confronted me about my negativity, which was caught on camera. I have apologized to no avail about my negativity, but I was angry and hurt. My husband believes she has to be the one to forgive and forget. It’s been two years of sending Christmas and birthday cards with no acknowledgement. What to do? — BUSTED IN GEORGIA
DEAR BUSTED: I agree with your husband. Remember the adage, “The best defense is a good offense”? (It is also known as the strategic offensive principle of war.) Your daughter knows she was wrong not to come to your anniversary celebration, and she also knows how upset you were about it because she has seen it on her doorbell camera. However, she doesn’t want to admit she was wrong and apologize. What you should do now is continue sending holiday cards to let her know the ball is in her court, and hope that, with time, she will grow up.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have known each other for 36 years and been married for 20. He has a severe drinking problem. He still works and doesn’t drink during the workweek, but he makes up for it in spades on weekends. We both stopped drinking alcohol 15 years ago. I never started again, but he did, and now he can’t stop. He is too proud to seek professional help. He’s an engineer and thinks he can quit on his own, but he is only fooling himself.
My problem is that he retires soon, and I’m afraid he will be drunk all the time. To me, it is a deal-breaker. We are both in our 70s. I retired 15 years ago. If I leave him, I have nowhere to go, with only SSA to support myself. Any advice you may have is welcome because I am at my wits’ end with the whole thing. — FLOUNDERING IN UTAH
DEAR FLOUNDERING: Because you didn’t mention Al-Anon, the 12-step program that supports friends and families affected by a loved one’s drinking, I will assume you have never attended any of their meetings. Go online to al-anon.org/info and find out whether there are meetings near you. (You may be surprised to discover there are many.)
If you attend meetings, you will find others who are experiencing problems similar to yours and learn coping methods. You might even find a roommate if you choose to move out. Please don’t wait to start.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
