The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have three kids. One of them, “Jake,” is in his early 20s. He has medical issues, so he has always been babied to a certain degree. Jake has struggled with jobs, drugs, friends and places to live. Somehow, he always ends up back with me. I know I’m an enabler. I have kicked him out before, but I never give up on him. I try to be a positive role model because his father has never been in his life.
Due to his past mishaps, Jake has wronged a lot of people who now shun him. I lose quality time with my other kids because they refuse to be around him. I have a soft spot for my “black sheep” because I am the one in my family. I am pretty much the only one who helps him, and in his eyes, I’m the only one who “cares.”
But I have finally reached the point where I feel he needs to grow up and stop jumping from job to job, house to house, friend to friend and calling me for help. How do I let him know without making him feel he is not wanted? I love him, but I am done being his enabler. — REACHED THE POINT IN FLORIDA
DEAR REACHED: Tell Jake BEFORE his next crisis that you love him but are done being his enabler. Tell him his persistent problems are self-generated, and from now on he will have to solve them without involving you, which is what adults do, and that you are doing this for his own good. Then stick to it. To do this may require your talking with a therapist because it is almost guaranteed your son will be back trying to enlist your help. But it was your abundance of help that fostered his being in the situation he’s in today.
DEAR ABBY: I worked for a supervisor for more than five years who hated me and let me and everyone else know it. She would bring treats for the crew but not for me. During my fifth year of working for her, I just lost it one day. She walked up to me and after some back and forth said, “F— you!” I said it back to her, loud enough for everyone in the front office to hear.
It was a big mess, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’d been picked on and harassed and worked in a hostile work environment. Anyway, that supervisor was ultimately forced to retire, as were some of her favorites.
My problem now is that my ex-supervisor’s friends who still work in the office are making it difficult for me not to curse them out as they are making snide remarks. I was told that if I had any more outbursts, I would be terminated immediately. I’ve even been to therapy. I don’t know what else to do. Please help. — PERSECUTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PERSECUTED: If you haven’t already done so, start documenting those snide remarks. Then present them to the front office management or HR and point out that although the original abusers are gone, there are still employees creating a hostile work environment. If it isn’t corrected, talk with an attorney. At the same time you are doing that, keep your eyes open for another job.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
