Dave Says – Help Don’t Enable

Dear Dave,

 

We’ve been following your plan, and it’s been a real blessing to us. Last week, my mother-in-law told my wife they haven’t paid their property taxes. They owe $5,000, which was originally due in January, but she didn’t say why they hadn’t paid the bill. I love my in-laws. They’re good people, but they’re big spenders—and in my mind—a little irresponsible with their money sometimes. We make a good living, and we could help them out. But my wife and I have talked, and we’re both afraid this situation may be just the tip of the iceberg. Can you give me some advice?

 

Bill

 

Dear Bill,

 

My best advice is this. First of all, you shouldn’t do anything. This is a really touchy situation. You and your wife definitely need to be on the same page about how you want to handle things. But your wife should be the one to address this, because she’s their child. The last thing you need is to be labeled as the nosey or stingy son-in-law.

Believe me, I understand and respect your position. And I agree with the notion you two don’t want to enable any bad habits. But this is family we’re talking about. You and your wife should try to find a way to help them if they really need help. If that includes some kind of guidance or counsel, that’s fine. If it means giving money, make certain you know exactly where it’s going, and why it became an issue in the first place. I mean, when you give someone $5,000 to help with a problem, you automatically earn the right to have a say in exactly how the money’s going to be used.

Maybe your wife could go over to their house for a visit and just talk about things. In the process, she might learn some details on the situation that would help you guys make a better, more informed decision on moving forward. Chances are her mom and dad didn’t raise her to have dessert first, then eat her vegetables. But in a sense, it sounds like that might be what they’re doing.

Long story, short? They need to pay their property taxes now. It sounds like they’ve got the money to take care of what needs to be done and have some fun. But if they don’t, some kind of course correction needs to happen. And I mean soon! Otherwise, they’re liable to see their financial dignity slip away.

 

— Dave