The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My sister recently lost her husband, who passed away after a brief fight with cancer. Her daughter, my niece, was scheduled to be married later this year. They struggle with finances, and my brother-in-law’s death exacerbated the situation. In order to help out, my wife and I quietly gave them $1,000 to put toward my niece’s shower so they could have it at a nice place. My sister was appreciative, but we unfortunately heard nothing from my niece.
Fast-forward a couple months, and the wedding is now called off. My sister and her daughter recently went on a cruise and have told me they have booked another. There has been no mention about returning our $1,000. My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated and wants to say something to my sister, which will create a family feud. While I agree the money should be returned, I am inclined to just write it off rather than stir up a mess. I would love to hear your perspective. — GENEROUS IN THE EAST
DEAR GENEROUS: My perspective is that where your sister and her daughter are concerned, you should firmly close your wallet. The money is gone, and you are right that raising the issue will cause ill will. Your generosity should have been acknowledged, and when the wedding was called off, your money should have been returned rather than applied to a mother/daughter vacation. If your niece does manage to get married in the future, remember that you have already given her a “wedding gift.”
DEAR ABBY: Our family is having its first reunion since my mother and father have been gone. We three brothers are now the oldest generation. My older brothers are planning the event. They are inviting my ex-wife of 21 years, but none of my three nephews’ exes. This is upsetting to me and my wife of 20 years.
I feel strongly that when you marry, you marry into the family, and when you divorce, you divorce “out” of the family. My ex-wife and two sisters-in-law have remained close friends since our divorce and have shunned my present wife.
Should we be upset about the invitation? Should we not attend if my ex comes? One brother says she is still “part of the family” and should be included. My wife and I are furious. Who is right here? — PARTY POOPER IN IOWA
DEAR PARTY POOPER: Did your parents include your former wife at previous family reunions? If they did, I can understand why she would be welcomed at this one. However, if they did not, I can understand your feelings, in light of the fact that your siblings’ wives have shunned your wife of 20 years.
That said, not all divorces are the same. Some former couples manage an amicable severance, and you cannot and should not dictate who your relatives choose to maintain relationships with. If you and your wife would feel more comfortable skipping the reunion, I wouldn’t blame you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
