The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: There are two significant secrets in my family, and as I’m a member of the oldest generation and likely in my last decade, I wonder if they should see the light of day.
The first involves my cousin. He’s a year older than I am and doesn’t know he was adopted. My older sister was 10 when his parents brought him home. She remembers it vividly, and my mother and I talked about it from time to time. My cousin has led a challenged life of addiction and estrangement. He blames his parents and “inherited characteristics” for many of his problems — his mother’s addiction to anxiety meds, his father’s poor eyesight, etc. Should I share with him what I know?
The second secret involves my first wife. We divorced 40 years ago, and although we don’t talk, our two children are a prominent part of my life. My ex lives a life of isolation. She is angry and has difficult relations with everyone. What I know is that she had a baby while in high school and gave it up for adoption. I suspect that her guilt about it has caused her withdrawal and alienation from everyone in her family. Should I share with our children that they have an older half-sibling? — KEEPER OF SECRETS
DEAR KEEPER: I think the answers to your questions are yes and no. I do think it might help your cousin if you told him the truth about his adoption, in case he might like to contact any living birth relatives to get an accurate family history or medical history.
However, as far as revealing your first wife’s secret, I don’t think it would be wise, kind or helpful to out her to your children. She was a minor at the time, and her parents may have been responsible for what happened to her child. Rather than being consumed with guilt or shame, she may still be mourning the loss of that baby.
DEAR ABBY: My parents had three kids. The oldest is married with five kids. The second is married with two kids. The third is single, has mild autism and has trouble meeting people. Our parents don’t seem too concerned about the youngest being perpetually single, but he is unable to live on his own due to credit card debt that he can’t pay back. He doesn’t want to live with anyone unless he finds a romantic partner. What happens if he ends up being single for life? Is there anything that anybody can do to help him before our parents die? — FACING THE FUTURE
DEAR FACING THE FUTURE: Has this sibling considered declaring bankruptcy? Mild autism should not stop him from living on his own again once his financial situation improves. A financial adviser or credit counselor may be able to help him with that. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org) is a good place to start.
Encourage your brother to join social groups that suit his hobbies and interests. If a club has in-person meetups in a quiet space, he may be able to attend comfortably without becoming overstimulated. He may not find romance, but he could make new friends, easing everyone’s anxiety about his future.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
