The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My wife is having an affair with an old flame from when she was in high school. He was just released from prison after serving time for murder. I have forgiven her, but I told her to stop the contact. She said she’d rather divorce me than do that; I would have to live with what’s going on. I love my wife, so I compromise for now.
She now has put me out of the marital bed, and I am not allowed to touch or hug her. I still do my husband-type chores. Please, I need your advice. — SIDELINED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SIDELINED: I am sorry for your pain, of which I’m sure there is plenty. By ousting you from the marriage bed, your wife has effectively deserted you. You may forgive her for the ongoing affair, but tolerating the status quo will not save your marriage. It is important that you seek legal counsel now to help you in the months ahead, because you are going to need it.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I loaned my son and his wife $6,000 to pay for the doctors to flip my daughter-in-law’s baby so she could have a natural childbirth. Since then, she has been extremely rude and verbally abusive to me. I am not allowed to visit or post any pictures of the baby, even though her mom stayed with them for three months. How do I ask them for our money back? — SECOND THOUGHTS IN MINNESOTA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It isn’t unusual with a first baby for a new mother to want her mother with her rather than her MIL. Was there a written agreement that you would be repaid the money you gave your son and his wife for the delivery? If there wasn’t, you may be out of luck. I wish you had mentioned why your daughter-in-law’s attitude toward you has changed so radically. Until you understand the reason, there will be no chance to heal this breach.
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with my neighbor “Mary” for 30 years. She has developed Alzheimer’s disease and needs constant supervision. Her husband refuses to place her in a facility, even though family members tell him he needs to. I have watched Mary a few times, and it was nerve-racking. She wanders off and undoes anything that we did.
Mary’s husband came over alone recently and told me he had hired a professional to watch her. Then he offered me $2 an hour less than the professional. (The professional has never watched her.) I told him I couldn’t do it and that he needs the professional. He is now telling friends that I am no longer a “friend” because I wasn’t there when needed. He barely talks to me anymore and doesn’t wave when I drive by. What can I do? — OUT OF FAVOR IN FLORIDA
DEAR OUT: Your neighbor has a crushing 24-hour responsibility on his shoulders, but he shouldn’t be blaming you for your inability to relieve it. Do not expect him to smile and wave, and don’t be sorry you refused his offer. What you must do now is explain to these mutual friends what happened — that you watched Mary a few times but managing her was too stressful for you, and that is why her husband is mad at you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
