The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 17 years. He has a friend, “Byron,” whom he hangs out with multiple times a week, sometimes up to six days. Byron’s wife, “Crystal,” (married 22 years) is always attached to Byron’s hip. They do everything together.
Crystal needs to be the center of attention. She constantly brags about herself and speaks louder so she gets all the attention. She’s always texting my boyfriend, even sending him pictures of herself. My boyfriend says it’s harmless and that there’s nothing to be worried about because “she’s his friend’s wife.” To me, that means nothing. Crystal is very competitive, and I feel like she’s trying to win him over. I’m about ready to let her win because I’m not a confrontational person.
I hang out with them often, so I can distract her and let my boyfriend talk to Byron without her. But I get so exhausted. It’s nonstop. She’s definitely going out of bounds, treating my boyfriend like her man.
I’ve mentioned my dislike of the situation but have been told it’s my problem (I’m jealous), not his. My boyfriend says I’m acting too clingy now because I always want to be there to keep them separated, but it’s wearing on me. Am I reading too much into this? — ENCROACHED ON IN VERMONT
DEAR ENCROACHED: No, I think you have probably read Crystal, and her insatiable need for attention, right. Because trying to shield your boyfriend from her attempts to monopolize him hasn’t worked, it may be time for a change in tactics. By that, I mean stop tagging along so often. Give him space, while you use the time to get together with friends, family or some other activity you enjoy. If you do, you and your boyfriend will have more to talk about when he returns from these marathons. As I see it, you have nothing to lose and possibly something to gain by trying it.
DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of leaving my husband of 15 years. He has admitted that he used to have sex with me while I was sleeping and when I was passed out drunk back when I had a drinking problem. He’s aware that I was molested when I was younger and that most of it took place when I was sleeping and I would wake up to it happening. He doesn’t see anything wrong with it. He says he was gentle and it was OK because I’m his wife and it’s better than cheating on me. This has permanently scarred me. I don’t know how to handle it. Please help. — TRAUMATIZED IN NEW YORK
DEAR TRAUMATIZED: You have my sympathy. If you haven’t sought counseling, I hope you will do it to help you process the fact that the assaults you have described were spousal rape. Sex with a person who is unable to give consent is illegal in all 50 states. For the sake of your mental health, please talk with a psychotherapist, who can help you to heal as well as report this to the police. A helpful resource that has been mentioned in my column many times is RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. You will find it at rainn.org.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
