The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 40 years and share the same friendships — joint, his and mine. We have camped, hosted parties and traveled with the same friends. My problem is my husband says I’m not allowed to speak privately with the males in our group unless I first confirm with him what I’m talking about. He also gives me the third degree about my visits with the wives, mainly to find out if their husbands were around.
In all our married years, I have never given him reason to think there’s anything going on between me and anyone else. I have always held him in high regard. I consider him to be somebody with honesty and integrity, and I love him wholeheartedly.
Where in the world does he get off trying to order me around and think that I can’t ask a question of his friends, or visit with his friends and their wives without asking his permission? This has been a longtime situation between us, and I’m tired of it — almost to the point of leaving him and enjoying what’s left of my life in peace with all kinds of people and relationships. Please help. — PUT IN A CORNER IN OREGON
DEAR PUT: Why didn’t you write to me about this 39 years ago? Your husband may be a man with “honesty and integrity,” but he is also someone with bottomless insecurities and an insatiable need to control you. I am surprised it has taken 40 years of this for you to finally say to yourself, “Enough!” I would recommend marriage counseling for the two of you, but I seriously question his ability to change. Counseling for you alone might give you the courage to draw the line.
DEAR ABBY: After I found the courage to leave my abusive marriage, it has been difficult. My family refuses to accept that a woman could have actually abused a man, and they are very skeptical. Even after my mother and sister attended therapy with me, they still question my honesty, something that has never been questioned before. Still, I have an amazing 9-year-old daughter from the marriage. She is part of the reason I had to leave her mother: There was no way I could model acceptance of that abuse after her mother refused to seek help. I tried.
Now, two years later, I’m in a healthy relationship — with another man. While my daughter is overjoyed because he treats both of us well, my family continues to attack me, even saying they were no longer going to speak to me. They say this is why I left my ex, even though it is not true. (I didn’t anticipate this either.)
My mother, who refuses to talk to me, recently let me know she wants to take me to court for the right to see my daughter. My daughter no longer wants to spend any time with her after seeing how she has treated me. I don’t think allowing visitation would be in my daughter’s best interest. Should I be worried? — UNRESOLVED IN OHIO
DEAR UNRESOLVED: Not every state has laws on the books that govern grandparents’ rights. Ohio, where you reside, is one of those that does. Because your question is legal in nature, and you are rightly worried, the person you should ask would be a lawyer familiar with family law. I understand why you are worried, and you have my sympathy.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
