The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: We have an annual weekend family reunion that includes family and significant others along with their children. Most of the children are adults now. One of them (my niece) was recently married and is asking if her new husband’s sister (and possibly her boyfriend) can come to the reunion.
We don’t have anyone other than immediate family attend, although we do have a special attendee this year. My brother-in-law’s mother is here from South America. She will be coming only for the day rather than the whole weekend. How do I politely refuse my niece’s request without hurting her feelings? — MORE OR MERRIER?
DEAR M. OR M.: An exception has already been made for your brother-in-law’s mother. I’m not sure you can refuse to include your niece’s new husband’s sister (and possibly her boyfriend) this time around without causing hurt feelings. Throw a few more hot dogs on the grill and cross your fingers that everyone will have a good time “just this once.”
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 34 years. My husband often accuses me of having cheated on him and being disrespectful to him throughout our marriage. I have said some things in ways I agree were disrespectful, especially after I have been accused of lying, etc. However, I have never cheated or lied to him, as he so often accuses me of. What do you advise? — HONEST IN GEORGIA
DEAR HONEST: I wish you had written to me about this when it started. If you had, I would have pointed out that people who accuse their partners of lying to them and cheating on them often have done exactly that themselves. He’s accusing YOU of disrespect? What do you think he has been doing? Tell your accuser/abuser that if he has proof of his accusations, he should come with you to a marriage and family therapist and discuss it, or you are going to leave him. Then, depending upon his response, follow through.
DEAR ABBY: My grandson is transgender and gets very hurt when I misgender his name. I am nearly 80 and use “she” sometimes when talking to him. I wrote him a letter at college (we exchange letters all the time) and told him my brain is old, and if I keep saying “she” when we talk, maybe we should just keep writing and see each other less often if it keeps hurting him. Did I do the right thing? — MISTAKEN IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MISTAKEN: You may have meant well, but I don’t think it was a wise choice. Unintentional misgendering is a fact of life in many families with a transgender loved one. Seeing your grandson less often is not going to cure the problem you’re experiencing. Seeing him MORE often may give you the opportunity to become more comfortable with his true identity.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
