The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My son took out a couple of education loans, which I cosigned when he was starting college 10 years ago. A couple of years ago, I found out (from someone else) that he never finished college. When I confronted him, he mentioned that he “intends” to finish college and is working toward it. He did not mention how many credits he has completed, what made him quit or why he didn’t consult me before dropping out. Shortly after that conversation, he stopped talking to or visiting me for a different reason. We haven’t seen each other in two years.
Recently, I received a notice from a debt collector regarding the loan. I tried to contact my son to figure out what he plans to do about the payments, but to no avail. He has always had terrible money habits. Until he stopped talking to me, he relied on me to rescue him whenever he got into money trouble. I had to pay off another of his education loans when he started defaulting a few years back.
Because of all of this, he owes me a significant amount of money. I am at an age where it is important that I build a retirement fund. If I have to pay off this loan, it will put a big dent into my savings. A few people have recommended I take legal action against him. I am, however, reluctant to do so for fear of severing my relationship with him forever. Is there a less aggressive way to have him take accountability for this loan? — MOM ON THE HOOK
DEAR MOM: Face it, Mom. The son you have bailed out repeatedly is a deadbeat. He is avoiding you because he has no intention of paying back the money for which you so caringly cosigned 10 years ago. Contact an attorney and see what your options may be. Doing that is not aggressive or punitive. It may give you a road map to pull yourself out of this hole.
DEAR ABBY: I recently saw a TV commercial in which a family of four was sitting at a table in a restaurant. The two kids were watching their parents text on their phones instead of socializing with each other and making pleasant conversation. It made me furious. Why? I was taught that it’s disrespectful not to give people your exclusive, undivided attention and that there is a time and a place for everything. I think it’s one of the reasons why so many people today lack appropriate social skills. Do you agree? — PRESENT IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR PRESENT: I agree with you 100%. What you saw in that commercial was a textbook example of lazy parenting. You cannot teach young people communication skills without modeling them. This has been a subject of concern for educators and behavioral specialists for at least 30 years. The result has been two generations of adults who have trouble making eye contact when trying to relate with others.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
