The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My husband is 76 but doesn’t look a day over 60. He has a full head of hair with little graying, no facial wrinkles, and he’s fairly fit. I’m 71 and look every day my age, probably older. I have graying hair — lots of it — but I like the color and will never dye it. I am fit, but the deep facial wrinkles and turkey neck emphasize my age. I “thank” my husband, a man I’ve lived with for 40 years, for this. He has given me years of stress and disappointment.
My issue: When we are out together, strangers inevitably tell him how shocked or surprised they are at how he “doesn’t look how old he is.” I’m left sitting right there feeling as if they think I’m his mother. Every time this happens, for days and sometimes weeks, he will spend time staring at himself in the mirror and reminding me how lucky I am to have such a handsome husband. He has always had an ego problem, but it is getting worse. Is there a response to get him to get over himself? — MR. HANDSOME’S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: It is my observation that people who compulsively stare into mirrors do it not out of ego but because of insecurity. When your husband does this, does he actually TELL you how lucky you are to have such a handsome husband, or is that something you think he is thinking? He is the way his genetics have made him, and the same is true of you.
If you feel bad about yourself because you think people are making unflattering comparisons between the two of you, consider discussing it with your dermatologist to see if there are some simple procedures that might make you feel better about yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is in his 60s. His brother, “Al,” (two years younger) has been living in their mother’s house for the last 35 years. Before she died seven years ago, she put her house in my husband’s name. For all those seven years, Al has been lying to him, promising he’s going to move out “any day now.” If I try to tell my husband Al may have squatter’s rights and is never going to move, my husband becomes verbally abusive and threatens me.
Now that my husband is starting to face the fact that his brother will never move, he has become even more abusive toward me and is trying to drive me out of my own home. He knows I will get half of everything in a divorce because we have been married 31 years. When I suggested mediation, he kicked our dog. We also have loaded weapons in the house. He says he wants a divorce but can’t afford one. — UNEASY IN THE EAST
DEAR UNEASY: You need more help than anyone can give you in a letter. Because your husband’s behavior is escalating, you need to get out of there. The next time he becomes violent, instead of kicking the dog, he may hurt you.
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and talk with an advocate who can help you escape safely. You should also consult an attorney about how to protect yourself and file a police report about your husband’s threatening behavior. He may not be able to afford a divorce, but you can’t afford not to get one.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
