The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow who has been dating a widower for the past eight years. He’s a wonderful man and the love of my life. We both have children, so we have been extremely careful not to cause them any distress with our relationship, and we have kept our home lives pretty separate.
At first, I thought that when the kids graduated from high school, we would maybe change our living situation, but now with all of our kids in college, the kids are going back and forth. One has moved home with me, so a change still doesn’t seem appropriate.
However, even when the kids are all out of college and living on their own, I’m still not sure I want to move into his house. It’s an amazing home in a wonderful town with lots of room for me, but it was built with his deceased wife, and all of her things and decorations permeate the place.
I just don’t feel I could ever make it my home, as it was their family home from the time they were married and where they raised their daughter. Moving into my house is not an option because it is small, and I don’t think he would want to do that.
I thought we could possibly sell both places and buy something together, but, again, his house is such an amazing place that I doubt we could find anything comparable. What should I do? — MAKING A CHANGE, OR NOT
DEAR MAKING: I think it is time you and your longtime partner have a serious, honest conversation about what your options are after all the children are finally independent. Express that as beautiful as his home is, you have qualms because it was the home in which he and his late wife raised a family. Tell him you fear any changes would be resented, and the house you live in is just too small. Then listen to what he has to say.
DEAR ABBY: I recently became aware that someone I know through various community groups is married to a man who is on the local sex offender list (involving a child under 13). This information was confirmed by another community group member as we needed to see how it would affect his volunteer status and our location near a school.
I don’t know how to respond to this information. The man is pleasant and friendly. If I had not known this information, I would have suggested he and his wife get together with my husband and other friends. There are no children in my household, so no one would be endangered by his presence.
Should this information about his sex offender status change how I see or respect him? Neither he nor his wife know that I know, and I don’t plan to tell them or anyone else. What are my responsibilities if I see him around children? — ON ALERT IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ON ALERT: Whether or not to see or respect this person is a decision only you can make. No one can do that for you. However, if you see a sex offender in the presence of minor children, you are morally and ethically bound to report it.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
