The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my partner, “Gil,” for five years. After my husband passed, Gil came into my life again. We had been colleagues about 10 years prior. We always had a spark but never acted on it, as I was deeply committed to my late husband.
After the funeral, Gil came into my life with guns blazing. We struck up a friendship, and it wasn’t long before it became more. I have come to care deeply for him, and I want to be there for him, as he is older and facing some health issues. My problem is Gil and his youngest daughter, “Nicole,” are very close. I initially wanted a warm relationship with her and went out of my way to orchestrate vacations and time together.
Fast-forward to now: I dislike Nicole immensely because she takes advantage of her dad. She’s rude, inconsiderate and holier than everyone, even though she would have nothing if not for her father’s generosity. I hesitate to call her out, because I’ll become the “bad guy,” which she has already tried to make me out to be.
Nicole is in her late 20s with kids of her own. I’m younger than Gil, and I know she sees me as a threat. I know there is some jealousy there, but I’m concerned for his well-being. His health isn’t great, and Nicole is never around for doctor appointments, etc. I want to be gracious because she can do no wrong in his eyes. Your input would be greatly appreciated. — CARING ABOUT HIM
DEAR CARING: Continue to be gracious to Nicole. As I see it, you have little choice. Because she can do no wrong in her daddy’s eyes, if you try to point out otherwise, it won’t endear you to either of them. What you must decide is which is more important to you — calling out Nicole’s glaring flaws or a relationship with her father.
DEAR ABBY: As a young mother, I endured a difficult marriage filled with domestic abuse. In the midst of that turmoil, I struggled to be the parent my children needed. They are adults now, and I find myself distanced from them. It pains me deeply to know they want nothing to do with me. I can’t help but feel I ruined their lives, and the weight of that thought is unbearable.
I miss them dearly and long for the chance to reconnect and heal our relationship. I’m at a crossroads and unsure of how to move forward and mend the bonds that have been strained. I deeply regret my past mistakes and want to make things right, but I’m uncertain where to start. Thank you for your guidance. — LOST AND OVERWHELMED IN CANADA
DEAR LOST: I know of no perfect parents. Everyone makes mistakes. I wish you had mentioned why you think you “ruined your children’s lives.” Were you physically or emotionally abusive? Did you abandon them? If that’s what happened, reach out. Apologize and offer to join them in family counseling if they are willing. It might be a healthy first step toward reconciliation.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
