The Shadow
Welcome back, Shadowers! I have some major breaking news for you this week! In a stunning move that left Washington insiders sobbing into their Starbucks, the Trump Administration announced it was moving the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) to its new headquarters on Main St, Covington, VA, effective immediately.
The decision came after DOGE head Elon Musk determined that the Alleghany Highlands—renowned for its leadership in decades-long mastery of herding cats through flaming hoops of nonsensical hubris—was the obvious choice to lead America into a bold new era of “Reactive Governance.”
Musk also praised the region’s innovative disregard for public safety. “Frankly,” Musk said, “if you can run schools for years without CO detectors, un-inspected fire extinguishers and fire doors without anyone dying from it, you’ve got what it takes to run the US of A!”
According to sources (aka Musk’s long-lost uncle who works at the local McDonald’s), DOGE’s first move will be to transform the Covington Middle School (CMS) into a Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Tactical Simulation Facility. The facility will specialize in gas leak triage, chain-of-command dodgeball, and the newly accredited “Ignoring Advanced Public Anger” certification. The Alleghany Highlands Public School (AHPS) board and administrators will allegedly serve as instructors.
DHS Secretary Noem, when asked why CMS was chosen, simply responded, “We looked for a facility that could teach America how to ignore basic safety laws and still hold classes for our children. It’s an art form, really.” Sources say the top graduates will receive a $50K gold Rolex watch directly from Noem by completing the final course requirement: shooting their unruly dog. Failed participants will be unceremoniously issued gangster tattoos and immediately deported to Venezuela.
Meanwhile, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has officially designated the Jackson River as a “Provisional Healing Stream,” praising it for its impressive makeup of 28 additional inorganic and volatile chemicals. The elixir is rumored to be the secret sauce for a new measles remedy currently in clinical trials. Officials noted the river water has absorbed more violations than a DMV printer and still hasn’t shown any evidence of a rash. “Forget Vitamin A,” one medical clinician, Dr. “Needles” DoMoore, stated, “The enriched Jackson River water is a promising solution to take care of them all—measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR).”
Locals are also bottling the water and selling it as an artisanal sleep aid—“Guaranteed to knock you out faster than sitting through a Covington City council meeting.” Said local Jimmy “Riverbottom” Bassman. “Two sips and you’ll forget your worries, your passwords, and your spouse’s name. Three sips and folks usually end up visiting Sheriff Moore’s “Special Room.””
In a related announcement, the City of Covington will begin offering VIP subscriptions to their water notices, allowing residents early access to news like “Your tap water may or may not be spicy again this week.”
“Our new City Council Members are got’dam geniuses for coming up with our new VIP Water program,” City Manager Allen Dressler gushed. “With our new VIP Plan, you’ll get exclusive text alerts like ‘Boil or Don’t Bother?’ and access to our new ‘Guess That Smell’ online game. Plus, if you’re a Tequila aficionado, you’ll want to definitely upgrade to our Platinum Level, which includes the magical potion and a dead fish from the Jackson River, all packaged in a wonderful recycled bottle signed personally by Jose Cuervo. It’s all about that authentic Highlands flavor!”
Over in Clifton Forge, the Town Council voted unanimously to adopt a bold new slogan: “Move Here! We Don’t Have a Gas Leaks.” Meanwhile, town administrators have taken a proactive approach to this year’s crisis theme—stray cat plagues. Clifton Forge officials have already enrolled in the first action-packed “Cat Herding 101″ course series hosted by the new DHS Tactical Simulation facility over at Covington Middle School. The AHPS administration, recognized as national experts in the art, will lead the instruction. The first lesson will be held at LewisGale Emergency Room, complete with a real-time demonstration of CO-Hypoxia performed by the AHPS Superintendent herself. Apparently, the motto of the Cat Herding 101 class is, “if you can’t catch ‘em, gas ‘em.”
The Alleghany Highlands Chamber of Commerce, not to be outdone and left out of the fun, announced today that the next $105-a-plate networking dinner will be hosted at the new “The Carbon Mon-Oasis” or the CO-O, now located in the CMS boiler room. The CO-O builds upon previous city attempts at delivering a brewery, restaurant, and nightclub, and features the new TikTok dance, “Boiler and Blame.” Pay the buck-two-ninety-eight admission fee and take home a commemorative school fire extinguisher that hasn’t been checked in years.
And, in a final bit of legislative brilliance—so brilliant it probably voided its own warranty—the Alleghany County Board of Supervisors recently acquired a large tract of land. Insider sources have now confirmed the purpose: in a stunning second investment, the Board signed a deal with Elon Musk to build a brand-new agency for the Highlands—the Bureau of Untraceable Truth & Testimony (BUTT), a sister agency to DOGE.
The department’s first act? The passage of the back-door Bill 404, a cheeky nod to the “404 Page Not Found” Internet error, now serves as the official response to all FOIA requests in the Highlands. Under this bold new framework, any Highlander seeking government transparency must participate in a biannual scavenger hunt hosted by none other than Board of Supervisors Chair Matt Garten.
“It’s going to be a blast,” Garten declared, grinning giddily like a man who just traded in his piece of crap 2000 Toyota Prius for a new Tesla CyberTruck. “The rules are simple: contestants must use a Tesla self-driving vehicle and direct it to locate their requested records.” Players are strongly advised to bring a wheelbarrow full of low expectations… and ideally, a priest to explain your lost rights. Folks who also bring their CO-O commemorative fire extinguisher and are unsuccessful in putting out a pile of FOIA documents on fire will receive the Distinguished Quad F Medal of Honor, better known as the “I don’t give a Flying F For FOIAs” medal.
Well, Shadowers, through all our bally-hoo around the Highlands, one thing remains true: we’re a tough little community. We endure the drama, the dysfunction, and the occasional public meeting cage match, yet we still show up, still speak out, and still cling to the hope that tomorrow might be… slightly less ridiculous. Or, at the very least, won’t end up featured—in The Shadow.
I’m out of time and out of Coffee, but Happy April Fool’s Day! Remember, April 1st is the only day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true. This week’s photo of the week goes to Bonnie Keyser for her Spring in the Highlands photos.
