The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather recently went to jail for having child pornography on his laptop. The lawyers and everyone else say he molested me and my sister. I almost had to testify.
I’m only 13 and have talked with people, but they don’t get it. I don’t want to talk to a therapist or anything, but my mom and aunt think I should.
Should I? I feel really sad right now. I first learned about this two years ago, but it still hurts. I kind of feel uncomfortable talking about it to people other than my best friends. I write sad poetry to express my feelings and it helps some.
I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m stuck in a rut. What should I be feeling? Do I need to talk to someone? Should I open up more? — UNSURE OF MY FEELINGS
DEAR UNSURE: If your grandfather is in jail, and “the lawyers and everyone else” say he molested you and your sister, then he probably did. The two of you may not have understood what was happening because he led you to believe what he was doing was normal behavior. (This is standard operating procedure for a molester.)
Part of the reason for your sadness may be that your trust was violated. Talking to a therapist is not a punishment.
It’s actually a privilege, and I hope that you and your sister will take advantage of it. A therapist can give you more insight than your friends can give you.
Your mom and your aunt have your best interests at heart, so please listen to them. A therapist can help you open up more, and your sadness will dissipate.
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DEAR ABBY: I love my wife very much, but over the years we have drifted apart. At one time we considered separating, but we went to a marriage counselor and worked most things out.
My wife is the only woman in the world for me, but my feelings are at the bottom of her priorities. I give her nightly foot massages and tell her how much she means to me. She never returns any pleasures. She has told me that sex is not enjoyable for her and she does it only to please me.
I love her dearly, however the romance is gone. Is it possible to rekindle the long-lost fire? — LONELY, UNIMPORTANT HUSBAND IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR LONELY: I hate to appear negative, but the way you have described your marriage, I doubt it. I also have to question why you think a woman who is so withholding is the only woman in the world for you. You have described what she is getting from you, but what are you receiving in return besides passive rejection?
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DEAR ABBY: I am torn between two decisions. I am a 40-year-old teacher, but I have always wanted to be in law enforcement. I didn’t pursue my dream because my fiancee would not marry me if I went into police work.
I have done well over the years, but my heart will not let go of being in law enforcement. My wife gives me the “you have a good job and you need to save for your kids” speech.
I feel if I don’t at least try to pursue my dream it will always bug me.
Should I suck it up, do my time and be unfulfilled for the next 10 years? I feel like the old “you can be whatever you want to be” speech is an injustice to children if you as a parent can’t live up to this rule. What do you think about all this? — LIVING A LIE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR LIVING A LIE: I think that at age 40 you should be allowed to do what you want with your life. HOWEVER, if you decide to pursue police work, you should make certain your family will be well-provided-for in case something happens to you in your high-risk new career.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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