The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: My father was a terrible person. He was physically abusive to his wife and kids, and he sexually abused both of my sisters. He was a vicious bully who took every opportunity to humiliate his children and took pleasure in destroying things we worked hard for. No one in the family is sad that he’s no longer with us; most of us are happy to move on.
One of my sisters, however, wants to have a big party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of his death. She envisions a celebratory dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by a party at her house, complete with a contest for throwing darts at his picture.
I don’t miss our father any more than she does, and I understand her raw hatred of him. But I also don’t have any interest in going to that kind of an event, nor do any of our other siblings. We think it’s past time to move on, and celebrating his death is not moving on.
My sister has made clear that if we don’t attend, she will view it as not being supportive of her and won’t ever speak to us again. What do you think about all of this? Must the rest of us go to her event, or should we take a pass, knowing she most likely will cut us out of her life? — BEYOND THAT IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEYOND THAT: You and your siblings are fortunate to have been able to move forward from the trauma you suffered at the hands of your father. Your sister obviously hasn’t been so fortunate. She’s wrong to threaten you with excommunication if you refuse her invitation to a “death day” party for the abuser. I hope none of you knuckle under. As a victim of abuse, she could use intensive counseling, and I hope at some point she’ll reach out for it. The way she’s headed now, she will soon isolate herself completely from the family.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old mother of four dating a 28-year-old man. He is the youngest guy I’ve ever dated. I usually date men my age or older. After my kids’ father left me for another woman after 12 years of being together, I was broken. I didn’t date for two years as I tried to heal. Then comes along this younger guy whom I’ve grown to love.
This man has no children and doesn’t seem like a guy I should be with according to society, but I love him, and he loves me very much. I keep quiet about him when it comes to my mother and family out of fear of judgment. Should I tell them about him, or just keep him “hidden,” as he would say? — IN LOVE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR IN LOVE: Keeping him hidden is insulting to the man you have been seeing. At 36 years old, you should be mature enough to live your life openly. The age difference is not so great that it should be a cause for concern. If the issue is that he comes from a different culture or racial background, you may have to stand up and defend your choice. Because you love each other, you should not be keeping him hidden. You have nothing to be ashamed about.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
