The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I have an old friend who lives an hour from me. I visit her for the day and come home. I have never invited her to spend the night at my home, nor do I expect her to invite me for a sleepover when I drive down to see her.
The last two times she has visited me, she has arrived at 9 a.m. I assumed she came early because she wanted to spend the whole day. She expected me to sit and talk all day. She refused to do anything except eat and talk. I am not a sitter, and I hated doing it, but she’s a good friend, so I put up with it. Both times, around 5 p.m., she went to her car and brought in luggage expecting to spend the night. Then we ended up staying up until midnight so she could talk some more.
How can I tell her I’d prefer that she go home at the end of the day? She has been seeing psychiatrists for 50 years. It sounds like she goes just to talk. She’s also afraid of everything and has no hobbies or other interests. What can I do to put an end to her uninvited overnight stays without hurting her or risking sending her into meltdown? — TREADING LIGHTLY IN THE WEST
DEAR TREADING: You are not responsible for this woman’s mental health, nor should you be. She appears to have been using you as a supplemental (unpaid) therapist. The next time she wants to come for another marathon talk session, tell her you’d love to see her around 1 p.m. but will be unable to entertain her past 5. Unless you create boundaries, there won’t be any, and the friendship you have with her will implode.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 43-year-old woman who is unable to have children. As difficult as this is, I have sisters, friends and my own mom who are wonderful mothers, and I look forward to celebrating them on Mother’s Day. However, every year on Mother’s Day, I struggle. Strangers assume that I’m a mother, and family overcompensates for the fact I’m not one. I am told “thank you” and have been given trinkets and flowers at restaurants because strangers assume I’m a mom. My family has even given me “awesome aunt” gifts to celebrate the occasion.
I haven’t discussed my fertility struggles with anyone because it’s too difficult and painful. While I understand and appreciate everyone’s kindness, I’m struggling with how to convey that I’m fine with not being recognized. I feel it’s cruel to have to disclose my medical diagnosis to others in order to be left alone on a holiday that has nothing to do with me. How do I kindly tell people to leave me alone? — NEVER MOM IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEVER MOM: You are not the only person who encounters this problem every Mother’s Day. You don’t have to convey the message verbally, which might be repetitive as well as painful for you. Go online and search for buttons that bear the message “Child-Free.” When I looked, I was surprised at the variety that are available.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
