The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman who has struggled with self-esteem and personal relationships my entire life. My fiance and I have talked in depth about past trauma, but it wasn’t until within the past year that I’ve realized how much of an impact my mother had on those aspects of my life.
From as far back as I can remember, she always told me that from the moment I was born, she had a hard time connecting with me, and I wasn’t loving toward her. How could that have possibly been something I caused? I suspect she may have had postpartum issues, and she is now a fully diagnosed bipolar individual.
I watch her have functional relationships with lots of other people, but still, to this day, we have almost no connection. I feel guilty about the state of our relationship but worse when I witness the way she treats others compared to me. Am I a terrible daughter? — DISCONNECTED IN OHIO
DEAR DISCONNECTED: If what your mother said is true, remember that for the most part, children react lovingly toward people who are loving to them. You are not responsible for your mother’s diagnosed mental illness, which may be why she had so much trouble relating to you. You are not a terrible daughter. If you have any doubts about what I have written, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can help you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will soon celebrate our 11th anniversary. Together since we were 19, we’re now in our mid-30s with two children.
Abby, I can’t seem to shake the feeling my husband is cheating on me. For the past two years all he wants is sex, on his time. If he doesn’t get it within his “timeline,” he gets angry and has an attitude. If he doesn’t get it at all that day, I’ll hear about it for days afterward.
I love my husband with all my heart, but he is not a great dad. It kills me to see him brush the kids off when they are so excited to see him, hug him and play. But my husband doesn’t play with them, doesn’t snuggle with them on random days off or lounge around with them. I get jealous seeing dads playing with their kids and just being goofy for hours.
He works all the time and worries about his work calls. All my life I wanted a husband who would be a great dad. What I’m trying to ask is, if he isn’t into our kids, is always stressed, isn’t playful in a non-sexual way with me anymore and only wants sex, is he seeing someone else to fulfill his needs? — HEARTBROKEN WIFE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WIFE: There are plenty of issues in your marriage that need working on, but I doubt that a man who often wants sex with his wife is cheating. You stated that he doesn’t relate well to the children and is always stressed. Once you understand the reasons, things may improve. Marriage counseling might help you achieve that.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
