The Shadow
DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years into our marriage, I’m struggling to honor my wife’s desire for space and independence. I can be a hopeless romantic, and my attempts to communicate my desire for trustworthy and healthy boundaries have actually made it worse.
We had a romantic origin story in a foreign country, and we haven’t had a vacation together with the kids in 10 years. She enjoys going on solo vacations so she can be “free” to have adventures where she can get attention from other men.
I trust her and love her deeply, but her returning to the exact location where we met romantically so she can be the object of other men’s desire is hurtful. When I’ve communicated this, she says I’m being “needy.” I disagree.
How can I let my wife be free and independent when the ways in which she does it are hurtful to me? When I express this openly and honestly, I’m made to feel as if it’s a “me” problem to resolve for myself.
There are subtle and sometimes overt comments that make me feel like our connection is slipping away, and I refuse to let that happen. We are in counseling, but she’s against it. What do you do when your desire for a deeper connection with your wife is rebuffed? — LOSING IT IN NEW YORK
DEAR LOSING IT: I am so glad you and your wife are in counseling, because you both need it. Since your wife is doing this against her will, I urge you to continue alone if necessary.
Please understand that you cannot save a marriage all by yourself. There has to be a mutual willingness, and it often involves compromise. Ten years since a family vacation is a very long time. For her to take solo vacations so she can appear to be single (if that’s her reason) is hardly working on your marriage, and you have not been “needy” by pointing out that fact.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a twice widowed lady. I’m also a snowbird. There is a gentleman, also a snowbird, who comes south and stays with the family across the street from me. He’s very nice, and we have gone to dinner a few times, but I have no desire to have more than a casual relationship. I drink good wine; he’s a beer drinker.
Last week, he came to visit and brought a large bottle of very inexpensive (and awful) wine. I graciously had a small glass, but it wasn’t to my liking. He has mentioned that he has bought yet another bottle of this wine for us to share.
How do I tell him I only want to be friends and that my taste in wine is more refined than his without coming across as a snob? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just can’t drink another glass of it. — CABERNET QUEEN IN FLORIDA
DEAR QUEEN: Before you see this nice man again, ask him to return the wine he purchased “for you to share” and tell him it’s your turn to bring the wine. People have different tastes, and it isn’t “snobbish” to make your preference known. As to the issue of just wanting to be friends, once he sees the price of the wine you prefer, he may be only too glad to go back to his beer.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
